I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
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My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
Inside you there are two wolves
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)