Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
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People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
Happy thanksgiving
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.