“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
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I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.