I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
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That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”