What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
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perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1