[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
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The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now