When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
You Might Also Like
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
Life is a suicide mission.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.