I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
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Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨