just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
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Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.