Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
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son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
Feels like there should be a middle ground
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
President The Rock Obama
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun