This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
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These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
can’t wait til they legalize outside
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.