Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
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me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.