[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
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BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]