I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
You Might Also Like
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.