If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
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Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
Erm I’m gonna say no
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5