Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
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69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
Meow?
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.