2022: I can fix it
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These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!