Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
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Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
i baked you a cake
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”