anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
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My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
“our sushi is very fresh”
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.