Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
You Might Also Like
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean