Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
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Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
Woke up against my better judgment again
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator