*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
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Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.