[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
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If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
Death certificates are our last participation award.
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.