What a kind woman! 😂😂
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I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
Follow me for more fitness tips.
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
guys I’m going home
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.