Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
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Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.