[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
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Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.