Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
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All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
FINE, I WON’T.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.