You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
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HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
broke down and did it
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
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