WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
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Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.