why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
You Might Also Like
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.