WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
You Might Also Like
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
guys I’m going home
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.