Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
You Might Also Like
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us