I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
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I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
Check your privilege
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird