Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
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Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.