In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
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“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong