[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
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Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
I have so many questions.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
Who chose this font
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
Mood.. 😂
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.