Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
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Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
October already? What’s next? November????
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.