Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
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[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
“What?”
– Jude
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.