Quadruple digit IQ
You Might Also Like
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
😩😩😩
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…