For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
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my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.