It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
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Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.