Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
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The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book