my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
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Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
Are these grass-fed oranges?
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
omg leave her alone
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open