My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
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do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?