Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
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[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
Single and childfree like Jesus
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!