[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
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Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
A family that plays together cheats.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.