My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
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Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more