How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
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Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
Just had my nails done!
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.