can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
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9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
Thoughts
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles