Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
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I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter